Wanna know what it is?

Go see!

Wow, thank you so much! I was seriously so excited when I saw in my comments that Brandi, a newer bloggy friend of mine, had given me an “Awesome girl” award! What an honour!

You know, I obviously think I’m awesome and everything but.. I kid, obviously. I’m really flattered and can’t thank you enough, Brandi. You rock!

Part of receiving this award means that I have to share some things with you all, about myself, so here we go!

1. Favorite Smell: RB. Oh, gush, mush, I know. I love sniffing his clothes when he’s not around and I melt when he pulls me in for a long, warm hug. Especially if it’s been a while since our last. I also love the smell of cooking garlic, fresh flowers, vanilla, chocolate, coconut ..and well okay, any type of food really. I can’t lie.

2. Favorite Memory: Ding dang, I’ve got lots! Many christmas mornings, summers spent lapping up the sunshine at the cottage with my family, crazy nights with my cousin Keri, but especially my memories with RB. The night of our first kiss. Our first time ..together. When he bought me a ring for our first year anniversary and I swooned forever over it. I still do. I won’t go on and on, but I have tons and I’m super excited to make more.

3. Favorite Breakfast Food: It really depends on my mood. If I’m feeling particularly decadent, I’ll have a bagel (ok so .. more times than not I have a bagel; what’s it to you?) or toast. But rarely toast, I’m just not that into it. I hate jam and honey, so, one can only eat peanut butter toast so many times without getting sick of it. Sometimes cereal, fruit, or I just skip breakfast altogether and eat lunch. Oh and I can’t forget french toast, or eggs. I do love me some eggs.

4. Favorite Comeback: It must be, “I’m going to kick your ass,” because I’m talking to RB on MSN at the moment and I just said it to him. Jokingly, of course. But it sounds oddly familiar so I guess I may have said it a time or two before.

5. Favorite Season: Ooh, tough one. I know I complain a lot about .. well everything, but weather especially. It’s all, “I’m too hot. Now I’m too cold. Too hot, too cold, too hot, too cold.” I really do love living in Canada and being able to see the seasons change. Even though some people may think I live in the tundra, it’s really not as bad as that. Spring is bright, sunny, brisk at first and full of new things blooming. The temperature rises, nights are warmer and spring jackets are eventually ditched. Summer rushes in and sometimes brings blistering heat and humidity with it, but summers like the one just ending, was different. For the past few actually. It’s been significantly cooler and rainier, with less scorching days. Fall is beautiful around here and I truly love being able to see the colours on the trees change to warm reds and oranges and crunch through leaves as they float to the ground. Winter, I don’t even want to talk about it. Ok, I’ll say this — I love the snow and the cold, the ice and the snowflakes, for about a week. The rest of the never ending months is slow torture and I have to keep thinking that spring will be coming again soon.

6. Favorite Writing Utensil: How did this award know that I’m particular about what I write with? Ooweeeooo, twilight zone. When I’m in a sketching mood, I love a sharp pencil. If I’m feeling childish, I bring out the crayons and markers and go to town. I like a medium size pen (in thickness) because I have small hands and find a big, chunky pen is uncomfortable and too small of one, slips between my tiny fingers. I like a smooth writing pen that flows well because when I start to write, my thoughts come fast and I need to get them down before I forget them. But who am I kidding? More often than not, I’m typing on my laptop and when I have to handwrite for a long time, I’m in agony. Cruel technologically-inclined world, you’ve ruined my nimble fingers!

7. Favorite Ice Cream: You mean, you want me to pick only ONE? The horror! I can’t, so, here we go: Chocolate & peanut butter, mint chocolate chip, loaded heavenly hash, hot fudge sundaes, chocolate crackle, moose tracks, .. ok that’ll do. Ice cream = deliciousness.

8. Favorite Movie to Quote: Snap, I don’t think I really quote any movies. Maybe really randomly, but nothing comes to mind right now. Dang, am I boring? I mostly just make up nicknames, talk to RB and the pets in silly voices, spaz out and flail everywhere and just act all around mature. Obviously.

9. Favorite Coffee Accoutrements: I have no idea what ‘accoutrements’ means and I’m not even going to google it. So there! Mostly because, I don’t drink coffee so it’s not even relevant, whatever it is. I don’t drink coffee at all, tea rarely and hot chocolate a few times in the winter. I’m more of a Diet Pepsi/Coke, water w/ Crystal Lite, juice or milk kinda girl.

10. Favorite Day: Every day! Even if it’s a bad day, it’s good because I’m alive and healthy with lots of love and opportunity in my life. And a cute man by my side. It helps make the days brighter, even if I’m not feeling the greatest. I guess I have lots of favourite days and even more to come, but won’t get into them because it could take me hours.

Okay, so now that you lucky people got to read all about me, I get to pass this award along to five other AWESOME ladies — sweet! I’m going to have to pick Emily, Kalen, Ames, Rachael and Brandi, of course. I hope I’m not breaking the rules by giving you back the award, Brandi, but too bad! You’re awesome and you deserve it! You’ve already done your things about you, but you can do them again, if you feel like it! Up to you! Thanks again, I’m feeling pretty special!

I’m off to go bask in my awesomess-ness!

This week has been tough, ya’ll.

Tuesday brought the return of a new school year. It was exciting, scary, familiar and challenging. Going from two part time jobs, a few days off a week and a lot of leisure time, to a real schedule. Back to the grind. I’m excited for the regiment and experience and to get myself really prepared for the work field.

Tuesday also meant RB was going away, so it was a bittersweet day for me. I was starting something new, but I couldn’t share it with him. The trip had been planned for months and it was kind of cute seeing how excited he got, and how he prepared and packed for it. Of course, all while I’m going, “Please don’t leave me, baby!” But really, I’m glad he went. It’s been more difficult than I expected but going from constant communication to nothing? Bit of a challenge.

Tuesday night brought anxiety and tears, even after a breezy first day at school where I saw my friends that I had missed so much. Going to bed without so much as an, “I love you,” or a hug just doesn’t cut it for me, so I put off sleep as long as I could. My eyelids drooped but I didn’t want to go to bed alone. Sleep finally took me, but it was a lonely night.

Wednesday morning came and it brought a new day. I wasn’t with RB but I felt a little bit better and a little renewed. I thought of how sweet the reunion would be, after spending a solid week apart with very little communication, and I felt better. Before RB left, he told me that this time apart would be good for us, that it’d remind us how much we need each other. I was skeptical then, but now, no more. This week has been full of thoughts about our relationship, memories of the past, and daydreams of our future. I’ve realized that I can live without him, but honestly, I don’t want to. There’ll be trips to come, some together and others apart, but I can deal with that. I told my dad yesterday that I had no doubt in my mind that I wanted to marry RB. I was sure of it before, but I feel even more strongly about it now. He is an amazing partner and I will do everything in my power to make our relationship the best it can be.

Tomorrow brings his return and I’m already so giddy, I don’t know how I’m going to make it until then. His plane lands at midnight on Tuesday, so I imagine it’ll feel like an eternity passing until night comes. I swear, I am going to attach myself to his face and live there for a few days. He’s my lobster.

P.S. I’m slow and didn’t realize that I had a UTI until yesterday, when I woke up and thought my kidneys may explode. My dad came to the rescue, drove me to the walk-in clinic, paid for my prescription and rubbed my back while we drove home. He’s multi-talented and very sweet. I’ve got a doctor’s note and will probably be off school until Wednesday. It’s only my second week and I’m missing classes already. Not all that happy about it but it was my own fault for not realizing what it was. I’m ready for this rough week to be over!

Without this face.

5 more nights of sleeping alone, and while I’m not looking forward to it because bed time is the worst, I know I can do it. It’s healthy. For right now though? It sucks and I want my best friend home.

Otis and I are feeling a bit under the weather today, so we’re curled up on our chairs beside eachother. She’s snoring and I’m blogging, obviously. The t.v. is on and I’m flicking between ‘Newlywed, Nearly Dead’ and ‘Desperate Housewives.” What I’m really hoping for when I cascade through the channels rapidly is that I’ll stop on HGTV and find a real estate show. I’m absolutely obsessed lately and can’t get houses/decorating/moving/careers out of my mind.

Because us girls are feeling sick today, we’re having a chill day filled with t.v. and snuggles. I’ve been thinking about the holidays and family and beginning this new school year with a positive attitude. Even though I’ve been feeling depressed lately, after this weekend with my family and coming home to RB, I feel a little renewed and almost giddy about what’s to come.

RB and I are emailing back and forth, while he’s at work. Some people have seemed almost offended, or weirded out, by the fact that him and I are usually in constant contact, even while we’re working. If we get the chance, we text or shoot eachother a quick email. Sometimes there are a lot and then some days, when we’re busier, we don’t have as many chances. Is that weird? I’m sorry that I LIKE my boyfriend and want to talk with him. I know we’re pretty attached, maybe too much sometimes, but it works for us.

My last post — on feeling extra depressed lately — brought on so many great comments from all of you guys and I want to say THANK YOU. The interwebs are so great sometimes. It’s amazing to be able to connect with so many people, gain advice, or hear an encouraging word from them. When I’m feeling crappy, I can write a blog post or stamp out a quick tweet & have so many responses in almost an instant. 24/7 comfort from all of my friends? Yes please!

School starts on the 8th so it’s back to 8 a.m. classes, (four days a week.. ugh) working on the campus newspaper and website, homework, pulling out my hair and the always-dreaded: group work. I’m going to be brutally honest and say that I hate group work. It’s a part of school, I know, but I won’t get used to it. Trying to coordinate 2-4 people’s schedules is tough. Gone will be working my two part-time jobs and I’m sad that the newspaper job is the one I’m forced to give up. The times just don’t match and I’m able to work weekends at Food Basics, so that decided it. I’m going to keep in touch with my co-workers at the newspaper and even see if I’ll be able to complete my placement that we’re required to do, in second semester.

Things are changing — the season, jobs, attitudes. I’m really excited to start this new “chapter” and watch it unfold. I’m not excited about the mass amounts of homework I’ll be faced with, but getting through it means that I’ll be able to graduate and move on to an even better place in my life. The thought of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas being right around the corner fills my mind with memories of past years spent with family and wonders of what this coming year might bring. The winter months filled with snow don’t excite me but I’ll be happy when it melts away and a new spring is revealed. Finishing school in April and graduating soon after are on my mind quite frequently these days and I’m looking forward to actually attending the ceremony. I didn’t go to my high school graduation and I don’t really regret it but college has/is/will be so much more different and I don’t want to miss that experience. Paying off school debts after having to figure out what I actually want to do career wise, will be rough but it means that the path will be cleared and we can get to buying our own house.

Ending my school career is going to bring lots of exciting things. Graduation, a new career, a house and accomplishment. It’s not going to be easy, in the moment, but I’ll get through it — the personal growth is something I’m craving and really looking forward to.

P.S. Something else that will keep me going until April? The thought that RB will be proposing sometime in the very near future after I’m finished with school. We’ve talked about it a lot and while I don’t know exactly when it’ll be, just knowing that it’s coming will keep me excited and motivated throughout this school year.

I’ve had a good summer. One filled with lots of time off, lots of time to explore parks and paths with RB, have picnics, see friends, go to the cottage, camp, take pictures, stare at the clouds, work part time hours at two jobs and most of all, enjoy the season. And I’ve enjoyed it all.

But the truth?

I’m depressed. I don’t know how I could be anymore honest than that, so that’s the plain truth. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute I got to spend with my family. I loved each picture I took, each drive we drove, all the adventures we’ve had, but I’m depressed. How can someone be having so much fun, loving being with family, friends, my lover, and still be so unhappy — it just doesn’t seem possible. It seems selfish, to me. It took me awhile to even realize I was feeling depressed. I kept feeling off and after a few weeks of feeling the same way, I put two and two together. It also hit me when I kept saying to RB, between tears, “I don’t want to DO anything. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t even want to get up in the morning.”

Houston, we have a problem.

I’ve always been a moody person — my temperament can change on a dime & watch out, it will. I’m a good, honest, caring person but behind the chipper voice and the big smile is a dark pit that sucks me in every once in awhile — lately, a lot more than usual. For days I can be happy and feel good inside; about myself & my life, my relationships and my future and then the next day — the same things I had good feelings about, just hours before, are shattered. Nothing’s right, everything feels wrong, my emotions are so mixed up that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and feeling that way is the worst. Any decision that I make is wrong, my life is horrible and all of my relationships suck. Fast forward to the next day & it’s like a whole new me. I’m excited about life, our future, getting school finished, paying off loans and buying a house. I walk with pep in my step (I really said it) and everything seems so much brighter, happier, possible. How can it be so different, sometimes just day to day? I don’t get it.

I figure I’m working on a two week cycle of hell and then two of happiness. Of course, there are some random outbursts on my happy days, but nothing like the demons that come around when I’m feeling down. Contributing factors are stress about starting school again, money, and picking a career, of course. I know this. I just can’t seem to stop freaking out about it, internalizing it and then showing my worst colours to RB, who should be seeing my best colours. He deserves the best — there has been no lack of support from him. He always has advice to give, similar experiences to share, hugs to envelop me in. I got a text from my dad today, who was feeling a bit emotional, telling me (among other things) that he was glad I found RB. ME TOO. When I passed the conversation that my dad and I had along to RB he replied with, “I’m glad you found me too :)” — really though, I’m glad that we found eachother. We grew up a mere two streets apart and played with the same friends, but barely talked until we were almost dating. We found eachother when it was the right time and I love that about our relationship.

I’ve obviously found someone who can put up (a little) with my constant-changing emotions but I don’t know if I can put up with MYSELF. Some days I’m so excited about life I could burst and the next, I feel like nothing is worth it. This rollercoaster of emotions is really starting to get to me and this next year is going to be horrid, mental health wise, if I don’t figure out what the problem is. Or are. There are things in my life — experiences, conversations, memories, habits — that I don’t talk about. I choose to keep some of the areas of my life completely private but some of those things need to change and I’m anxious, happy, scared, to experience those battles.

“If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”

“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”

“There is nothing like returning to place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”

Since my last blog. Oops. As Ames pointed out on twitter — I haven’t blogged in a dog’s age. A dog’s year? What’s the proper way? I avoid some sayings like those because I’m afraid that I’ll get temporary dyslexia and end up saying/doing the wrong thing. It’s happened before, usually when I’m in my driving lessons. My instructor will tell me to put on a certain blinker and and more than not, I’ll click the opposite one. People on the roads, beware, I may have my license soon. I’m actually a really safe driver and was told that I’ll more than likely pass my test.

One thing I’ve noticed since I started driving is that - HOLY CRAP people are scary enough on foot but, put them in a car & let them loose: watch the EFF out. Maybe I’m paranoid or a wimp, but getting behind the wheel has made me even more aware of how easily it could be to get into an accident or make a mistake and it’s scary. I know I’ll get more confident with years of practice but I’m glad for the “realization” and think it’ll almost ..keep me in check. So I won’t be dangerous or speed, stuff that might end up bad news bears.

What else? I’ve been so busy with work lately and I’m actually really liking it. Well ok, for the most part. Having NO free time & being tired & sore (I know, whine whine, I haven’t got it bad at ALL, I know!) sucks but being an adult with purpose and responsibility is a nice feeling. Until those bills start rolling in, that is. Money has been on my mind a lot (what’s new?) lately — I’m planning on really budgeting myself this year in school so that once I’m completely finished with college in the spring, my loans won’t be too through the roof. And then of course I’ll find a sweet job & pay it all back in a year. We hope. I think I could do it if I was really good with money and if not, two years is not that bad either. We just really want to be in our own place by about this time next year (maybe closer to next christmas, not this one upcoming) so it’s essential to get loans paid off, build my credit up to a good level and save, save, save.

I went to the doctor the other day and had my first physical in, oh I’d say, about fifteen years. I’m not even kidding you & I’m actually sort of ashamed to admit it. I’m not sure why. I just think it’s so stupid that I’d put off something so precious as getting my health checked out & anything worrisome get taken care of right away. At least I can start caring about it now. I’ve been trying to drink more water, eat more fruit and veggies and take an assortment of different vitamins and stuff. You should see my HANDFUL of pills. I’m old, people. It’s real. My nightly requests for snacks are still frequent so that shall be the next step I’ll take - cutting back and cutting OUT. A lot. I’m never going to deprive myself because, well I just won’t. If you know me at all, you know how much I love the foods. I love them bad. I enjoy it & I just have to learn how to NOT overindulge at every meal. It’s possible, just gotta implement it.

The doctors visit produced a specialist appointment for my leg/back problem, me peeing on my hand while giving a urine sample — one of my first, it was tricky! — my shy doctor, who closely resembles Ron Howard with more hair, giving me a breast exam with his eyes closed & head partially turned away, and a form for bloodwork. Again, if you know me at all, you know that I am DEATHLY AFRAID OF NEEDLES. I obviously WILL do it, but omg, don’t wanna!!!!

Our plan this weekend was to camp up at the local provincial park, but due to busy schedules for both of us, we’ve decided to head up to the park on sunday afternoon and spend the day there walking around, taking pictures, eating a picnic lunch, playing in the creek/pool and laying around in our hammock/love sausage — RB’s name for it. I’m really excited to get up there because summer is rapidly coming to an end and I want to get as much of the season in before it’s gone. The tundra will be back in a few months and I’m not looking forward to it. Hello, seasonal depression! I actually am excited about fall, halloween, christmas, stuff like that, just not the snow and cold and grey and ..no sun. I miss that guy when he’s away.

Hmm. Oh yeah, so we’re also going back to the cottage in two weeks — August 21-24. I’m, more than obviously, excited about this because it’ll most likely be our last trip up this year. We’re planning on doing some canoeing around the lake, which should be an .. adventure. RB is a very good, experienced canoer and me, not so much. I’m not bad, just not as confident and tend to squeal a little every time a wave hits the boat and rocks us a little. I’m getting better, it just takes time — and lots of patience on RB’s part. I just hope my camera survives our trip. I’d really like to get some pictures and don’t want to have to leave it behind. The day we get back from the cottage, I’ll be at the waterpark (YEAH BABY) with work. Not like I’m excited about it or anything.. definitely not. I’m pretty sure I’ll be smiling in my sleep and dreaming about the wave pool, the night before. I’ve got giddy butterflies a.k.a. I’m three.

Okay, I think that’s all for now. I could ramble on forever but I’m getting sleepy. I’ve got a long day at both jobs tomorrow so I think rest is a good option right now. Hopefully I won’t go as long between blogs as last time — my bad!

BOO-JO!!!!!

A.K.A. - The cutest doggie, ever! As soon as we got to the cottage last week, my cousin Kelsi’s boyfriends, mother’s dog, Booj, captured my heart. We cuddled on the couch, chilled on the boat and watched him twirl in circles for treats. Boo-jo is so well-mannered - I loved him instantly and even asked Kelsi and Saby (her boyfriend) if I could take him home with me. Sadly, they said no, but I doubt our dogs here would welcome such a cute little thing. Hello, jealousy? I miss Booj a lot but I’ve got lots of pictures to keep me from missing the little guy too much.

Yes, I am obsessed with a dog. Can you really blame me though?

You’re the best, Em. Honestly. I wish you so many new experiences and adventures in Germany and all of the other places you visit in these upcoming months. Months that will blur by, while you’re having so much fun and creating bonds with (what seems like) a great family. Many people would be envious of what you’re about to embark on and I’m definitely one of them. Go get the world, girl! I love you always, you’re stuck with me!

If you can get past my highly lame title, check out all of the owl stuff I want need from Etsy. I’ve had an obsession for awhile now and I think I need to start actually purchasing some of these lovelies. I got my first taste with Glyph, the adorable stuffed owl that RB bought me a few weeks ago at the Petroglyph Provincial Park, and now I need more!

You can find this adorable clock/necklace combo here - I would be more than happy to be the proud owner of one!

This SUPER cute necklace can be found here - like the first one, I’m be more than glad to own one. I promise. Maybe I’ll add it to my christmas list and then accidentally drop it on RB’s pillow. Moving on..

For our future babies, obviously. SO CUTE. You can find it here. I think Ames is in more need for one than me since the vacany sign on her uterus just added a no to the beginning. Congrats again to both of you & here’s to hoping it’s a healthy baby robot.

My future home’s garden won’t be complete until I have one of these to put in it. You can find it here. I think I’ll add this one to my christmas list as well.

You can find this beautiful brooch here - I am seriously drooling over this one & I must have it!!

That’s all for now, but I think I’ll make this a regular thing - share all of the owl (and other) things I want. I’m done posting for now but definitely not finished browsing for more stuff. It might take awhile to peel me away though.