The ugly truth.
I’ve had a good summer. One filled with lots of time off, lots of time to explore parks and paths with RB, have picnics, see friends, go to the cottage, camp, take pictures, stare at the clouds, work part time hours at two jobs and most of all, enjoy the season. And I’ve enjoyed it all.
But the truth?
I’m depressed. I don’t know how I could be anymore honest than that, so that’s the plain truth. Don’t get me wrong, I loved every minute I got to spend with my family. I loved each picture I took, each drive we drove, all the adventures we’ve had, but I’m depressed. How can someone be having so much fun, loving being with family, friends, my lover, and still be so unhappy — it just doesn’t seem possible. It seems selfish, to me. It took me awhile to even realize I was feeling depressed. I kept feeling off and after a few weeks of feeling the same way, I put two and two together. It also hit me when I kept saying to RB, between tears, “I don’t want to DO anything. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t even want to get up in the morning.”
Houston, we have a problem.
I’ve always been a moody person — my temperament can change on a dime & watch out, it will. I’m a good, honest, caring person but behind the chipper voice and the big smile is a dark pit that sucks me in every once in awhile — lately, a lot more than usual. For days I can be happy and feel good inside; about myself & my life, my relationships and my future and then the next day — the same things I had good feelings about, just hours before, are shattered. Nothing’s right, everything feels wrong, my emotions are so mixed up that I feel uncomfortable in my own skin, and feeling that way is the worst. Any decision that I make is wrong, my life is horrible and all of my relationships suck. Fast forward to the next day & it’s like a whole new me. I’m excited about life, our future, getting school finished, paying off loans and buying a house. I walk with pep in my step (I really said it) and everything seems so much brighter, happier, possible. How can it be so different, sometimes just day to day? I don’t get it.
I figure I’m working on a two week cycle of hell and then two of happiness. Of course, there are some random outbursts on my happy days, but nothing like the demons that come around when I’m feeling down. Contributing factors are stress about starting school again, money, and picking a career, of course. I know this. I just can’t seem to stop freaking out about it, internalizing it and then showing my worst colours to RB, who should be seeing my best colours. He deserves the best — there has been no lack of support from him. He always has advice to give, similar experiences to share, hugs to envelop me in. I got a text from my dad today, who was feeling a bit emotional, telling me (among other things) that he was glad I found RB. ME TOO. When I passed the conversation that my dad and I had along to RB he replied with, “I’m glad you found me too :)” — really though, I’m glad that we found eachother. We grew up a mere two streets apart and played with the same friends, but barely talked until we were almost dating. We found eachother when it was the right time and I love that about our relationship.
I’ve obviously found someone who can put up (a little) with my constant-changing emotions but I don’t know if I can put up with MYSELF. Some days I’m so excited about life I could burst and the next, I feel like nothing is worth it. This rollercoaster of emotions is really starting to get to me and this next year is going to be horrid, mental health wise, if I don’t figure out what the problem is. Or are. There are things in my life — experiences, conversations, memories, habits — that I don’t talk about. I choose to keep some of the areas of my life completely private but some of those things need to change and I’m anxious, happy, scared, to experience those battles.
“If you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.”
“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”
“There is nothing like returning to place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”
My dearest Jordie,
There are few times in our relationship where I feel that I can give you advice. Mainly because you’re older and wiser. However, speaking as someone who has had the exact same feelings/reactions/emotions (give or take) as you. A few years ago (about 2) I had this continual breakdown where I was constantly upset/crying/missing everyone in my family. After months upon months of feeling crappy I figured out what it was that was making me feel like crap. Maybe you need to figure out what it is. I risked my relationship with the most important person in my life because I couldn’t get over it.
So now for some actual advice. There is a herbal *drug* called St John Wart that is a natural mood stabilizer type thing that my doctor told me to take instead of her putting me on anti-depressants. If you want to look it up to see if it might be right for you, it was right for me.
You also might need something to happen to snap your perspective back. That’s what eventually got me off the St John Wart and made me into this crazy human before you *kind of*
xoxo
oh dear…i am the same way, so creepy. two weeks out of every month are good, the next two weeks are terrible. the littlest thing will throw me off. i was thinking about that last night…i hadn’t realized i had used up all of the cinlantro and i needed it for dinner. if it had been in my BAD two weeks, i would have cried and thrown our un-cilantroed dinner down the disposal and locked myself in the bathroom. instead, since i’m on an upswing, we just ate it without and it was still fantastic. now why can’t i do that for four whole weeks?
i know i need to get back on meds, but uggggh. i worry so much about the side effects.
anyway, you are not ALONE! i feel selfish for feeling/acting like i do and sometimes i feel completely unworthy and hideous and unloved. it’s not healthy and it’s no fun. if you ever need to talk, i’m here! just ask emmy, i’m awesome at answering e-mails…
oh that’s right, i still owe you one from over a month ago. :/
I almost put my name as “Jordo,” because I’m retarded and want to be with you so badly that sometimes I think I’m you…?
Anyway. We have and will talk about this in private, so I’ll leave it at that, just wanted to say this is an extremely well-written article and you are a great writer.
And I love you.
miss jorrrrrrdan,
thank you for oh-so-eloquently sharing your stuff with us.
depression sucks it. i’ve been there, hardcore. just know you’re not alone, we all love you, and there IS a way out.
(i have lots and lots to say on the matter, so FEEL FREE to email me if you want to chat more.)
xoxo
i love you.
if you ever need to chat, or an ear..
YOU LET ME KNOW SIR.
Everyone else has said more than I ever could really, but just know you aren’t alone out there and a lot of us have the same issues. I listened to a few self-help type MP3’s (I’m not kidding) and it’s helped a lot. It teaches you to basically train your brain to stay positive. It’s hard, and it doesn’t work a lot of the time, but damn did it ever help me. And I’m the Most Cynical Person in the World so that oughta say something
Let me know if you wanna listen!
depression is shitty. period. it’s impossible to control on your own, in my opinion, so i’m grateful for you that you have such awesome friends, family, and rb. talk to someone. face your fears. try to figure out WHAT is wrong, if anything is wrong. but most of all, know we are here. <3 you.
I had been going through the same thing for awhile. Basically for the last 3 years since i had lost my Dad. Then Chuck and I went to some counseling sessions (we were goin through a rough patch, which I believed to be mostly my fault). My counselor told me it seemed I was unhappy with myself. And I was! I just hadn’t thought of it that way. Then I got back into school, got rid of some negative people in my life and now all is well. Well at least for the time being. I also quit takin birth control, which i think had a little to do with it as well. My point is, you’re not alone. And each of us has to figure out what it is that makes us happier. For me it’s just been taking a more positive attitude. And believe it or not, I feel like since I have been more positive alot of things have just worked themselves out. I also believe that the feelings you are feeling could also be hormonal. As you can tell from all the comments, many of us women go through the same things. Talk to your doctor or a counselor and work together to see what can help you. Love ya Jordie!!